Last Friday night I went out dancing. Not that it was any sort of event, but maybe it was for me. I go to these dance parties that happen once a month and now, for the first time, somebody I was dating was going too. I'd finally be able to make-out with someone in the corner while the music blared!
Quick video I recorded before I went out
I met this guy I liked from Grindr. We had a date in late September of last year. We went out for ice cream, walked and talked a lot. He drove me back to my car and we made-out in his Jeep. He wanted to come over to my place but he said he couldn't stay the night. I told him maybe another time. I liked him. I wanted to get to know him better. I'm not wired to have casual encounters. I need to connect. This guy had possibilities.
For months I would get text messages from him saying he wanted to come over. I flirted with him but never caved. I wanted to date him for a long time. He seemed somewhat interested in me, but yes, I could tell that maybe he was just looking to get together with somebody older than him. (He's 26.)
A couple of weeks ago during our texting I met him at a nearby coffee shop. He looked the same from what I remember him as, but he had on different glasses. He bought me my tea (good move) and we talked until the store closed. Then we headed over to another place until that place closed to talk some more. Lots of talking. When we said goodbye that night, he mentioned that he'd be at the same dance party I was going to. I thought this was awesome! He went away the next day to a week-long out-of-town conference.
Last week I was thinking about him a lot. Between the dance party and Valentine's Day coming up, I couldn't wait to see him. I texted him and bam! He came over my place.
I showed him all my Star Wars toys, my photography books, and again, we talked a lot. He asked me what was my favorite Madonna song. We made-out before he left. It went a little further this time, but I stood my ground and wouldn't go too far. But on the most part, he got his way and bolted out the door when he was done. I was disappointed and pretty much knew at that point what would happen next.
I never heard from him the next couple of days. When I saw him at the dance party, on cue, he acted very superficial and went to get a beer when I saw him on the dance floor. He said he'd be back. He never came back to dance with me.
I spent some time talking to friends and most of the night dancing. When he past me by another time when I was I on the floor he said, "I didn't know you were a dancer." I am. It bugged me that he still wouldn't dance with me. I saw him making-out with some other guy on the dance floor minutes later. It didn't surprise me at all, but still, what a disappointment.
The guy he was making out with was much younger than me. I never got a good look at the other guy. I didn't want to. It didn't matter. That guy didn't have my experiences. He didn't love the way I do. He didn't hurt the way I have been hurt. I didn't have his experiences either. But really, when you're younger, you don't have that many experiences. They just feel as if you do. (I should know!)
I spent the rest of the night dancing on my own. I caught some guys looking at me which was nice. I mostly don't approach guys unless I know I have to. Sometimes it's best just to wonder how someone's like and imagine what could be.
It's Valentine's Day I am a lot more comfortable with who I am. I'm getting to like myself more and more as the days go by and I get more thoughts worked out. I'm this really sensitive guy who likes to take care of himself. I've got a beard I'm proud of! I feel the freest when I'm dancing.
Back in the club, I waited until I didn't see that guy I dated before I left the dance party. I usually stay until the end of the night when I'm out, but I had to get up early the next day. Right before I made it to the door, he popped up. "Are you leaving already?" he asked. I told him why and gave him a hug goodbye. He told me to text him over the weekend and I said I would. I never did. I'm sure he can figure out why.
So last night I was out at this bookstore and right before I left someone past me by that looked like this guy. I had that strange jolt of a feeling inside me for a second. It kind of feels like butterflies. It was odd because I thought I'd settled what I felt for this guy before. It's highly unlikely I'll bump into him when I'm out, but if I do, I wouldn't ignore him. I'd be nice. That's just the kind of guy I am.
3 comments:
Hey Alec, been reading your blog for a while. And it seems that:
1- You 're extremely nice guy.
2- very attractive.
3- Smart and loving.
However, I think you have way too many negative thoughts that you convinced your subconscious to stay this way single.
Sometimes when I see or hear about people like you I would ask my self "wow they've got it all.. why can't they have a boyfriend"
It's about optimism.
But hey I'm no expert at the end :)
I will devout the next minute to hope that you will find someone soon..
Connecting w/ guys can be a tricky thing. Connecting w/ guys who are at a different stage of life can be even more tricky. When I think back to my 20s, I was looking for more physical relationships and one-night connections so its hard for me to be too critical of this guy because at his age, I was in a similar state of mind.
Be proud of your sensitivity. Some people never know what they got and that's why they can't keep it. When I think of the idea that a guy like the one you mentioned might not know what's right in front of him, and know no better than to keep saying hello but not really address what's on his mind, it reminds me that some people are just wanderers. We all come in and out of wandering, but some folks just enjoy transient time or present time, and never really capture and cherish the moment.
I've recently been reestablishing what it means to try and 'let go' of something once wanted or still welcomed if it (or that person) comes around, and all I can think is of that butterflies feeling. It comes and it goes. I can only remind myself that I don't need the extra burden on my own shoulders created by my own head if I can't just appreciate something and then let it pass once I know I don't need it. Perhaps that's what is going on, someone who truly wanders knows how to appreciate the moment...but someone who wanders, stops, and ponders learns to cherish it. Guess I need more people who cherish.
Your sentences at the end of the blog, that you wouldn't ignore him if you did, is a brave thing--at least by my book. To say, 'I'll be polite' and face the little butterflies or the lack thereof, well that's confidence there.
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