Legs

I passed by three young teenaged boys waiting for their bus at a stop when I was out running this weekend and they immediately tried to break me down. I couldn't hear all they had to say because I had my earphones on playing some sort of cheesy 80s dance tune. I only heard bits and pieces of their criticism. One of them sarcastically said something about what I was wearing. He started jogging in place, mocking me. You can almost feel hate spewing out of some young kids at that age.

I don't wear running gear that most people do. I can't bring myself to wear those black tights. I don't care how hot a guy is, but get him into those black tights, a lightweight, highly visible jacket and bright gloves; it's not sexy, even when he's running. I wear fleece jogging pants with a drawstring, a hooded sweatshirt and retro-looking running shoes. In some ways, I want to live my adult life now as if it were the 70s (when I was only a kid).

So, there's me running in navy sweatpants and a maroon hooded sweatshirt with a zipper: nothing underneath it but my sweaty, fuzzy chest.

When kids make fun of me, I'm emotionally transported to back when I was a skinny, little kid wishing he could be strong enough to fight back. The only thing I had to keep me alive then physically were my feet: emotionally, I had my spirt and optimism for the goodness in people. I didn't want to hurt people making fun of me as a kid. I just wish they wouldn't direct their hate so much against me, someone they don't know.

There I am running past these loud boys but now I'm older and much stronger. I sometimes shut off my music when a group of people are near me just to see what they are saying about me, if anything. Luckily, I sped by these teens fast. I didn't hear that much. I felt a little angry but nothing to ruin my run. At that point I'm thinking, "Do these kids know I'm 41? Do they know I had just run 5 miles at that point and had way more than a mile to go? Could they keep up with me? Could they run as far as I have when they are 41? Should I bother to stop my running and have a little talk with them?"

I had enough strength at that point to take them all out, but I didn't. I just kept running and smiled their way. Once again, I have my feet to keep me alive and that's one thing I feel really thankful for in life. Just one of many things.

For the record, I made it home and ran 6.38 miles in just a little over an hour. Woo hoo!!

Dances with Wolves!

2 Nights, 2 Chances

Off!, a photo by Alec Sarkas on Flickr.

Yesterday, guy A seems interested, so I call him after work. He's waiting for his roommate to come home so he can go out and eat dinner. Then he says he'll call me so we (me and guy A) can meet for the first time and get dessert. He had me waiting at least 3 hours. He never called. Eventually, he sent a text saying he just got home from dinner. It's after 10 PM. I text him back that I'm going to bed.

Today, guy B seems interested (again). He wants to meet for coffee, sometime tonight. I tell him to give me a time when to meet up. While I'm waiting for him, guy A sends me a ":)" text. He asks me out to dessert. I tell him I have plans. In the meantime, guy B texted me, flirting, but with no time to meet up. I fall asleep waiting for guy B to make up his mind (again, this would be my first time meeting guy B) but all I've gotten out of him is "hehe".

So, where does this get anybody? Absolutely nowhere.

Happy Valentine's Day? Sure!

Last Friday night I went out dancing. Not that it was any sort of event, but maybe it was for me. I go to these dance parties that happen once a month and now, for the first time, somebody I was dating was going too. I'd finally be able to make-out with someone in the corner while the music blared!


Quick video I recorded before I went out

I met this guy I liked from Grindr. We had a date in late September of last year. We went out for ice cream, walked and talked a lot. He drove me back to my car and we made-out in his Jeep. He wanted to come over to my place but he said he couldn't stay the night. I told him maybe another time. I liked him. I wanted to get to know him better. I'm not wired to have casual encounters. I need to connect. This guy had possibilities.

For months I would get text messages from him saying he wanted to come over. I flirted with him but never caved. I wanted to date him for a long time. He seemed somewhat interested in me, but yes, I could tell that maybe he was just looking to get together with somebody older than him. (He's 26.)

A couple of weeks ago during our texting I met him at a nearby coffee shop. He looked the same from what I remember him as, but he had on different glasses. He bought me my tea (good move) and we talked until the store closed. Then we headed over to another place until that place closed to talk some more. Lots of talking. When we said goodbye that night, he mentioned that he'd be at the same dance party I was going to. I thought this was awesome! He went away the next day to a week-long out-of-town conference.

Last week I was thinking about him a lot. Between the dance party and Valentine's Day coming up, I couldn't wait to see him. I texted him and bam! He came over my place.

I showed him all my Star Wars toys, my photography books, and again, we talked a lot. He asked me what was my favorite Madonna song. We made-out before he left. It went a little further this time, but I stood my ground and wouldn't go too far. But on the most part, he got his way and bolted out the door when he was done. I was disappointed and pretty much knew at that point what would happen next.

I never heard from him the next couple of days. When I saw him at the dance party, on cue, he acted very superficial and went to get a beer when I saw him on the dance floor. He said he'd be back. He never came back to dance with me.

I spent some time talking to friends and most of the night dancing. When he past me by another time when I was I on the floor he said, "I didn't know you were a dancer." I am. It bugged me that he still wouldn't dance with me. I saw him making-out with some other guy on the dance floor minutes later. It didn't surprise me at all, but still, what a disappointment.

The guy he was making out with was much younger than me. I never got a good look at the other guy. I didn't want to. It didn't matter. That guy didn't have my experiences. He didn't love the way I do. He didn't hurt the way I have been hurt. I didn't have his experiences either. But really, when you're younger, you don't have that many experiences. They just feel as if you do. (I should know!)

I spent the rest of the night dancing on my own. I caught some guys looking at me which was nice. I mostly don't approach guys unless I know I have to. Sometimes it's best just to wonder how someone's like and imagine what could be.

It's Valentine's Day I am a lot more comfortable with who I am. I'm getting to like myself more and more as the days go by and I get more thoughts worked out. I'm this really sensitive guy who likes to take care of himself. I've got a beard I'm proud of! I feel the freest when I'm dancing.

Back in the club, I waited until I didn't see that guy I dated before I left the dance party. I usually stay until the end of the night when I'm out, but I had to get up early the next day. Right before I made it to the door, he popped up. "Are you leaving already?" he asked. I told him why and gave him a hug goodbye. He told me to text him over the weekend and I said I would. I never did. I'm sure he can figure out why.

So last night I was out at this bookstore and right before I left someone past me by that looked like this guy. I had that strange jolt of a feeling inside me for a second. It kind of feels like butterflies. It was odd because I thought I'd settled what I felt for this guy before. It's highly unlikely I'll bump into him when I'm out, but if I do, I wouldn't ignore him. I'd be nice. That's just the kind of guy I am.

Red Hot

The best part of my 2 vacation days I had off this week was when this young and really good-looking redhead guy smiled at me. I was out at my favorite record shop and noticed him while I was looking for records. He was much taller than me, I couldn't tell if he was gay (probably not) but I trust my gut and I just do what I want lately. I knew I was going to smile at him at some point but I didn't know if he'd smile back. He was with another guy friend. I just told myself that I was going to make him smile at me. It worked! When he came close by me to pass in one of the aisles, he smiled and looked at me.

Vote!

I would appreciate it if you would vote for me on the Old Navy site. If you really, really love me, you can vote for me once a day until Saturday, March 20, 2010.

Click here to cast your vote for me. And thank you!!

Nighttime

My alarm clock's blue display is blinding me when I look at it. I'm making out the numbers and it says 4:36 AM or something like that. I just woke up. I'm remembering some of the dreams I had. None of them were good let alone hot but I know that I was dreaming. I check and I have a huge erection that I can feel through my jogging pants. I decide to go to the bathroom after about 3 minutes.

I don't feel like I have to pee, but I don't feel right either. I make my way to the bathroom squinting at the lights I turn on and off to get there. When I'm done and washing my hands, I'm looking in the mirror, seeing if I've aged at all. I get this fear that I'll wake up old someday. I think everybody single over 30 has this silly fear. I don't look older, but my face is puffy from leaning over and I can see a smile line on my left cheek. I get back into bed.

I'm having trouble falling back asleep. I had set my alarm for 6 AM and I'm wondering if that it'll be enough sleep for my day at work. Will I have to fight staying awake like I did the day before?

I turn to my right side. That's the side where I can see more of my stupid alarm clock's light. I'm trying to imagine that it's moonlight. Surely people of the past had to fight off seeing the moonlight at night underneath all the stars. But there's also the street light that I have to deal with coming through my vertical blinds. I turn over.

Now I'm imagining all the guys I like and how they would sleep with me and that's enough to make me feel good and I drift off..